It started with seconds. This led to mintues - then hours. Then days. I wish I could say this led to weeks - but I'm not there yet.
That's right - it's been 10 months total since all of this came out in the open, and I still can't go weeks without thinking of something that stops me in my tracks.
I made the mistake, right after Danielle and I chose to work on our marriage and not give up, of asking to see her phone. Dates, details - all kinds of stuff was still present. In the midst of the trauma, I memorized dates. The first date that they met - the dates they met while I was away on school trips - the dates that she admitted she was falling for him. The dates she journaled that if he would just ask her to be with him all the time, she would drop everything to be with him.
That was a mistake - because now those dates are real and tangible. And they're milestones - when one of the dates comes up, I focus so much on what happened a year ago on that date. And it taints what is happening now. Because now is amazing. Now is what is important.
I fear I am focusing so much on the past that I am hurting our future. Danielle deserves better from me - and I could do better.
I have seen drastic changes in Danielle. Drastic.
And she deserves great changes from me as well - not all of these fears, doubts, and insecurities.
I will be going along, just fine, and something will happen that reminds me of something that happened during the months of the affair - and I can't handle it. In the wee hours of the night, I will bring it up to Danielle. Again. And again. And again.
The wee hours of the night are the worst - and 10 months in, I thought it would be better. And I think it should be. I am working on how I respond - and putting my trust in Danielle.
Because that's what it all comes down to. Trust. I fear getting hurt again so bad - and unless you've been the injured person in an affair situation, you don't know the hurt and pain involved in this situation - that I haven't fully committed. That isn't fair to Danielle or to myself.
She has done nothing to make me mistrust her - since January 1, she has been completely open with me. There have been rocky times, but even in those moments she was open and honest.
I love her with my whole being - I truly know what it means to have her be my other half. Without her, I am not complete. I could do better - and I will. For Danielle. For myself. For Lexi and Rex. This is too important to not improve on.
