Mi-freakin-graines

(This is going to be a post about miscarriages and migraines. "This is a blog about marital affairs." you say. Well...there's a link in our case...)

I hate migraines. Despise them. Danielle has suffered with them ever since 2006. I tie them together with her depression. She had her first miscarriage a couple of months after we were wed - and I wasn't there for her. Oh sure, I went to the hospital, made sure she was taken care of physically. To me, miscarriages were no big deal. I was raised around women who were strong, and they miscarried, and they never let it show how much hurt they went through. Or at least, they never let is show to me. 

Which means I never understood the depth of the grief. The depth of the pain. Hurt. Anger. Sorrow.

So when Danielle had physically recovered from the miscarriage, I moved on. I thought everything was fine. I didn't realize she was still going through the grieving process. And she got caught in the Depression phase (denial - anger - bargaining - depression - acceptance).

And then the pain in her head started. I also grew up around women who had headaches. And they would take over-the-counter medicines and move on. So that’s what I expected her to do. Take some medicine, and move on.

Once again, I didn’t join her where she was. I took my preconceived notions, brought them in to our marriage, and didn’t join her.

The pain in her head wasn’t a headache. It was a migraine – once again, I thought this just meant a “really bad headache” – medically, they’re not the same (from what research I have done).

So she’s in the depression phase of the grieving process, she’s in severe pain (this is still 2006), and the person she married and trusted to be right there with her – is lost. Lost in selfishness, confusion, and doubt. Because I wasn’t ready for this – I wasn’t ready, three months in to our marriage, to face this pain. I had no past experiences to liken it to. I had no way of understanding what she was going through.

I’d like to say I got better, and more compassionate, and more understanding. Nope. I did try. I tried understanding it – but I trusted her to go to the doctor and find out what was happening. On her own. Yes, I would take her to the doctor if she had to get a shot and couldn’t drive. Or if she showed me she was scared. Or when it was something major like an MRI – I knew about those. Those were a big deal, and I knew I needed to go to those. For the most part, I figured – she’s in pain, and if she wants it to stop, she’ll go to the doctor and find out what’s happening. She will take care of it. She will handle all of that. I will pay the doctor’s fees. I will take care of the bills. She will take care of her stuff. See what’s happening? I put her burdens on her, didn’t share them, and selfishly focused on my stuff.

I also didn’t realize what jerks doctors were. But that’s a separate post.

I didn’t understand that, for her to go to the doctor, she had to feel ok. And the depression led to stress/anxiety/all kinds of emotions. Those emotions led to her not wanting to get out of bed. Not getting out of bed caused her to feel even more stress and worry. The stress and worry caused her migraines. The migraines caused her to physically not get out of bed. And, now, we have a cycle. A vicious cycle. A cycle of pain and misery and suffering. And who sees it, and gets angry? Me.

Anger because I can’t help. I can’t/won’t join her in this. Anger because the enemy I want to help her fight is invisible. I don’t feel like I can fight something that’s “all in her head.”

Moving forward to 2017 – because a history lesson wasn’t the point of this blog – she still has migraines. She still suffers from depression. And, by this point, I am focused on me. I am focused on my kids. And I am not focused on Danielle. She has hurt me many, many times since being married. Her tongue is like a sword that cuts right through me. She is a master at causing pain. She knows exactly what to say and do to push my buttons – to make me feel two inches tall – and to drive me away.

I became an amazing father to my kids. (“Vanity” you all scream. Keep screaming.)

I became an awful husband to my wife.

Throughout 2016, she had reached out to me. Tried to talk to me. Tried to share how hurt she was. How much hurt I was causing her. I. Never. Listened.

I never listened. Ever. In fact, I can recall one evening last January where I asked her to stop talking one evening. I was focused on work, and she was bothering me. COME ON now!!! I want to go back to that moment, see myself, and scream at myself. (By the way – this didn’t just happen one time. I did this to her a lot over 2017 – I was focused on other tasks, and not on her)

February 2, she tried to commit suicide. Only I didn’t know that – I just knew something was very, very wrong. (This is also a post for another time.)

Just know that she lied really well. Really, really well. And, what little trust I had in her slipped away. And I was hurt. Really, really hurt.

So I pulled away from her even more. We couldn’t be farther apart in our marriage – emotionally, spiritually, mentally – than we were at this point. Or so I thought.

Migraines. Depression. Lies. Deceit. Hurt. Pain. Anger. Sorrow. Heartache.

And so, when he looked at her, and told her he wanted to have sex with her (think I was having sex with her? Not a chance – I was too hurt and beaten up emotionally to have sex), she saw a dark path to walk down. When he texted her and asked her to come over, she knew what he wanted. And she went for it.

She knew she was hurting – but had also been hurt. She knew she wasn’t happy in our marriage – and neither was I. And her selfish drive kicked in.

Then they say it was wrong, and she and he break it off after that one time. But she wanted it to continue. Because, by this time (March) I was barely speaking to her. I would barely look at her.

In April, we tried marriage counseling after some other events. I didn’t know she had started seeing him again. So she wasn’t trying very hard to save the marriage. In fact, I don’t know how fewer craps could be given than sleeping with another man while saying you’re trying to save your marriage.

But I wasn’t putting forth a lot of effort either. I kept looking for the other shoe to fall. Another suicide attempt, or another way of hurting herself. So, the counseling stopped. Her affair deepened, beyond just sex, to true feelings for another man. Her lies – oh my Goodness. Remember when I said she lied really, really well? The depth of this rabbit hole in lies and deceit still hasn’t been found out – and it won’t be. I’m looking forward, because I can’t stay in those months.

The reason I write this blog post is – I need to remember. I need to remember what not to do. Because, even though I am happier than I’ve been in YEARS, and I hope Danielle is as well – she still has stress. She still suffers from depression.

And she still has migraines. Severe, crippling migraines. And, sometimes, the old Jacob comes out. The one who gets angry that we can’t even go out and eat as a family because of her pain. We can’t go to the grocery store. She can’t move from the bed – which means Lexi and Rex don’t get to see her.

And this doesn’t even bother them – they’re used to it. It’s their “normal” to have mommy in bed, sick.I hate migraines.

I need to remember who I was – because I am not that person any more. Never again will she feel like I am not taking care of her. Never again will I leave her alone in her pain – I’ll be right beside her, fighting with and for her. Never again will she feel alone and left out by the very person who pledged to love her unconditionally. I don’t want her to ever feel like she did in those years – that she doesn’t have a husband.

I HATE MIGRAINES. I hate what they have done to us. I hate that they can come out of nowhere and disable us. Completely take us down. I hate them.

The other side of the story

I cheated.  There, I said it.  

How?  Why?

Those are the most common responses.  But to answer the how and why we have to go back a few years.  

I need to say this, and I need everyone to hear (read) this and understand it.  I own what I did.  I take 100% responsibility for it.  I do not put any blame on Jacob for what I did.  But there are things that lead up to the affair that were not just my problems.

Ok.  Marrying my high school sweetheart was amazing!  All my dreams were coming true.   Everything was sunshine and roses for a while.  But life happens.  Infertility put a huge strain on our marriage.  Then my depression and migraines started effecting our marriage.  I lost jobs, putting all the financial strain on Jacob.  

Then in February 2017 I attempted suicide.  Wrapped up in that suicide attempt were so many lies and feelings that I had kept hidden.  It hit Jacob harder than I thought it would.  He said that night is the most scared he’s ever been.  But all I remember is the anger.  He was so mad at me.  He told me if it ever happened again I would be gone.  He would kick me out because it wasn’t safe for the kids to be around me.  That’s a legitimate concern, but I couldn’t promise him that my depression would never get that bad again.  If you’ve never been depressed or suicidal then you can’t understand the pain and feelings that come along with it.  

Our marriage was in turmoil.  I felt like we were roommates.  Two people that lived in the same house, were friends, only shared interest was the kids.  

On TV people always say “it just happened” so it seems dumb to say that.  But it really did just happen.  Afterwards we both agreed that it couldn’t happen again.  We were just friends and it needed to stay that way.  But about a month later it happened again.  So that’s when it went from “I cheated” to “I’m having an affair.” 

During this time, everything was rationalized in my head.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  And I knew it would hurt my husband if/when he found out.  But in my mind I’m thinking, “my husband isn’t giving me what I need, so I’m getting it somewhere else.”  I know that kind of places the blame on Jacob, which I said I wasn’t going to do.  But it has to be known that this wasn’t something that just happened, it was a culmination of things that had been building up in our marriage for so long.  On both sides.  We are both at fault for the failing of our marriage.  

The man I cheated with is younger than me.  In my mind there was never a scenario where we would get together and live happily ever after.  There was never going to be a time where I would introduce him to my kids and family.  There was never going to be a time where we would go on dates or just hang out.  This affair was literally just sex.  So once again, in my mind it’s rationalized because there are no feelings involved.  It’s just sex.  

We did a trial separation.  We did a little counseling. But neither one of us was putting in full effort.  When I moved back in after the trial separation, I spent a lot of time wondering why I begged to come back home.  We were miserable together.  I wanted out.  But I knew financially there was no way I could get out on my own.  So once again, I rationalize it in my head that “once Jacob finds out I’m cheating he will kick me out” and then I’ll be forced to deal with everything.  But I just wanted to ride it out until then.  

It turns out that November 30th was “then.” When Jacob found out I tried to deny it and cover everything up.  But eventually I had to just give up and tell him everything.  When he asked me to leave I wasn’t surprised or shocked, so I was able to calmly get my things and leave.  From that moment I was a different person.  I was going to own my mistakes, and learn and grow from them.  Nothing was going to stop me.  I wanted out of my marriage and I was finally getting it.  

Yes, it killed me to see Jacob in pain.  I never wanted to hurt him.  I didn’t do this to hurt him.  So many times he said “you must hate me so much.” But I felt like that wasn’t true.  I didn’t hate him.  I didn’t hate him at all.  I still very much loved him, but I felt like we had come to a point where our lives would be better if we were not together.  

During my time away from home I prayed every day for God to guide me.  I asked Him to lead me where He wanted me to go.  And I asked for Him to give me the strength I would need to follow Him.  

I felt like the answer I was getting was divorce.  We had worked things out with the kids and they seemed to be handling the transition well.  I just wanted it to be done so I could start moving on.  

Then something happened.  I had really bad migraines. Jacob was wanting to take care of me.  Like really take care of me.  He brought me to the house so I could spend time with the kids, but still be able to rest.  On New Year’s Day I woke up and it was like a light switch had been flipped.  THIS!  This is what I want!  This is what I’ve wanted all along.  When I close my eyes and think of the future, I envision the kids, myself, and Jacob.  Hand in hand.  Strolling into our future.  God changed my heart y’all.  There’s no other explanation.  I want this marriage more than I’ve ever wanted it before.  It’s like we started over.  1/1/18 was a fresh start for us.  We’re starting from the bottom and moving up.  Building trust. Building strength.  Laying our foundation on God.  This is amazing.  And there’s no other explanation I have for it besides God.  

A Warning To Married Men

Warning...before the warning:

This blog will not be pretty. It won't make you feel good. It's a venting technique for me right now. I am sure it will morph over time, but for right now - it's a way to get my feelings out there. This blog will be about affairs and the process a couple goes through right after it all comes out in the open. (Well, not all of it - honestly, who wants to know all of it? Even if you think you do...you don't).

So, this first post isn't going to be a straight-up history of Danielle and I. Of course, some explanation will have to happen, but overall this will be what the title says: a warning to all married men.

This isn't a warning about affairs.

This is a warning to let you know, if you are married, if you have taken the vows to have and to hold, through sickness and health, as long as you both shall live - if you have taken vows to love your wife forever - then DO IT. Stand up and do it. 

Some tips:

• Stop wanting your way.
• It's not about just you any more. It never should have been. From the moment you two started dating, it was about both of you. The moment you got engaged, it solidified that it wasn't just about you any more. And the second you got married - you as a man should have given over your heart and soul to love her. To please her. To make her happy. No matter what. No matter if she doesn't seem to do the same for you, you still have a responsibility to cherish her, and to take care of her. You still have a responsibility to honor her, to desire her, to want the absolute best for her. Stop wanting everything to go your way. 

•  Stop taking her for granted.
• This one usually affects those of us who have been married for a while. She is right there beside us every step of the way, and at some point - we take it as a given that she always will be. Well, she will be if you treat her the way she deserves to be treated (see some of the above.) Love her unconditionally - like Christ does the Church (His bride). Talk to her. Find common interests. Because, if you don't - she can leave. Any second. And the hurt you will feel after that isn't worth you not taking care of her the first time around. Stop taking your wife for granted. She is worth the whole world - don't make the mistake I made and realize that only after she's gone.

• Stop hurting her - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.*
• Sometimes she will say hurtful things to you. Sometimes she will do hurtful things to you. It will feel natural to say and/or do hurtful things back to her. Stop it. It is never all right to hurt another person.  "Well, I want them to feel how they made me feel." If that statement is your thought - well now, you just started playing a game. And this game never ends. And it gets ugly. The things that are done/said in those moments - they're never forgotten. They can be forgiven - but they're never forgotten.

So, my warning is - if you value your wife at all, and you should seeing as you took a vow in front of God and man saying you place her above everything except Him, guard her heart. If you don't, someone else will.

Take care of her.
Love her.
Desire her.
Love her.
Honor her.
Be kind to her.
Set her apart in your heart and mind - for she is holy.
Love her.
Be intimate with her.
Love her.
Show her how much she means to you.
Pursue her.
Fight for her.
Love her.

Like I said - if you don't do the above things, someone else will. And the hurt you will experience - it can be prevented. Just love her.

*I assume physical abuse isn't happening. If it is - that is a whole different topic of discussion. If you, as a man, are physically abusing your wife - seek help. And, by all means, stop it.