I cheated. There, I said it.
How? Why?
Those are the most common responses. But to answer the how and why we have to go back a few years.
I need to say this, and I need everyone to hear (read) this and understand it. I own what I did. I take 100% responsibility for it. I do not put any blame on Jacob for what I did. But there are things that lead up to the affair that were not just my problems.
Ok. Marrying my high school sweetheart was amazing! All my dreams were coming true. Everything was sunshine and roses for a while. But life happens. Infertility put a huge strain on our marriage. Then my depression and migraines started effecting our marriage. I lost jobs, putting all the financial strain on Jacob.
Then in February 2017 I attempted suicide. Wrapped up in that suicide attempt were so many lies and feelings that I had kept hidden. It hit Jacob harder than I thought it would. He said that night is the most scared he’s ever been. But all I remember is the anger. He was so mad at me. He told me if it ever happened again I would be gone. He would kick me out because it wasn’t safe for the kids to be around me. That’s a legitimate concern, but I couldn’t promise him that my depression would never get that bad again. If you’ve never been depressed or suicidal then you can’t understand the pain and feelings that come along with it.
Our marriage was in turmoil. I felt like we were roommates. Two people that lived in the same house, were friends, only shared interest was the kids.
On TV people always say “it just happened” so it seems dumb to say that. But it really did just happen. Afterwards we both agreed that it couldn’t happen again. We were just friends and it needed to stay that way. But about a month later it happened again. So that’s when it went from “I cheated” to “I’m having an affair.”
During this time, everything was rationalized in my head. I knew what I was doing was wrong. And I knew it would hurt my husband if/when he found out. But in my mind I’m thinking, “my husband isn’t giving me what I need, so I’m getting it somewhere else.” I know that kind of places the blame on Jacob, which I said I wasn’t going to do. But it has to be known that this wasn’t something that just happened, it was a culmination of things that had been building up in our marriage for so long. On both sides. We are both at fault for the failing of our marriage.
The man I cheated with is younger than me. In my mind there was never a scenario where we would get together and live happily ever after. There was never going to be a time where I would introduce him to my kids and family. There was never going to be a time where we would go on dates or just hang out. This affair was literally just sex. So once again, in my mind it’s rationalized because there are no feelings involved. It’s just sex.
We did a trial separation. We did a little counseling. But neither one of us was putting in full effort. When I moved back in after the trial separation, I spent a lot of time wondering why I begged to come back home. We were miserable together. I wanted out. But I knew financially there was no way I could get out on my own. So once again, I rationalize it in my head that “once Jacob finds out I’m cheating he will kick me out” and then I’ll be forced to deal with everything. But I just wanted to ride it out until then.
It turns out that November 30th was “then.” When Jacob found out I tried to deny it and cover everything up. But eventually I had to just give up and tell him everything. When he asked me to leave I wasn’t surprised or shocked, so I was able to calmly get my things and leave. From that moment I was a different person. I was going to own my mistakes, and learn and grow from them. Nothing was going to stop me. I wanted out of my marriage and I was finally getting it.
Yes, it killed me to see Jacob in pain. I never wanted to hurt him. I didn’t do this to hurt him. So many times he said “you must hate me so much.” But I felt like that wasn’t true. I didn’t hate him. I didn’t hate him at all. I still very much loved him, but I felt like we had come to a point where our lives would be better if we were not together.
During my time away from home I prayed every day for God to guide me. I asked Him to lead me where He wanted me to go. And I asked for Him to give me the strength I would need to follow Him.
I felt like the answer I was getting was divorce. We had worked things out with the kids and they seemed to be handling the transition well. I just wanted it to be done so I could start moving on.
Then something happened. I had really bad migraines. Jacob was wanting to take care of me. Like really take care of me. He brought me to the house so I could spend time with the kids, but still be able to rest. On New Year’s Day I woke up and it was like a light switch had been flipped. THIS! This is what I want! This is what I’ve wanted all along. When I close my eyes and think of the future, I envision the kids, myself, and Jacob. Hand in hand. Strolling into our future. God changed my heart y’all. There’s no other explanation. I want this marriage more than I’ve ever wanted it before. It’s like we started over. 1/1/18 was a fresh start for us. We’re starting from the bottom and moving up. Building trust. Building strength. Laying our foundation on God. This is amazing. And there’s no other explanation I have for it besides God.
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