1 year update

Hey guys! I've been meaning to post for a while now. But life is all kinds of in the way.  In good ways!

So, as you all know, Jacob and I recommitted ourselves to each other on January 1, 2018.  He was willing to forgive my infidelity.  And we were both ready to fix the problems in our marriage. 

It was rough at first.  Naturally.  I never expected it to be easy.  I had spent a month away, so we were both trying to get used to being back together again.  Plus we were working through all the issues our marriage had. 

As time went on, I guess I was kind of expecting it to get easier.  And, in some ways it did.  It got easier to realize why we fell in love in the first place.  It got easier to see all the things we let get in the way of that love. 

But cheating wasn't the only thing Jacob had/has to worry about.  I've made a lot of dumb decisions in my life.  I've made a lot of dumb decisions in the past year.  Decisions that changed his ability to trust me.  And with every dumb decision it seemed like I set us back a whole year.  He legitimately has the right to question every move I make.  And my words literally mean nothing because of the decisions I've made...mainly to lie.  So how can you possibly trust a liar?!

I say all that not to say that things aren't great.  Because they are.  And I wouldn't change anything about our relationship now.  I say all of this to say that recovering from infidelity isn't like trudging up a hill, getting to the top and seeing level ground as far as the eye can see.  It's more like a roller coaster.  There are ups and downs.  It's not all smooth sailing.  Sometimes it's hard work.  Sometimes it's a glorious vacation. 

Even during the hardest times, when we're trudging uphill with no end in sight, I don't ever regret a single second of it.  I don't ever wish I could go back and make a different decision. 

I know everyone's story doesn't end like this.  I know everyone doesn't get the second chance to make their marriage work.  I wish they did.  Because it's amazing.  I fall deeper in love every day, and I'm so proud of the work we've put in. 

Making the tough decisions

I just quit my job. 
Not something that I wanted to do.  Considering the fact that I finally found something I was good at, and something I liked doing.  But, it had to be done. 
Given the state of my migraines, and the state of my marriage, it was the right decision.  That doesn't make it any easier.  But, it was still the right decision. 
What I haven't been really open about, because of work, was the fact that my affair happened with someone I worked with.  I hadn't wanted to put that out here in blog-world because I didn't want to make work more awkward than it already was. 
See, I had been able to cut ties with that person, no problem.  Even before I decided to make my marriage work, I was able to cut ties.  What happened, happened, and now it's over.  So, in my mind, I should still be able to work and go on with my life.  But that wasn't the case.  The stress of trying to deal with everything was causing my migraines to be more out of control than before.  Even with botox, I was still in a considerable amount of pain every day. 
I made the decision a couple weeks ago to try to work part time.  Jacob had said he would support whatever decision I made, and I really thought this would be meeting him halfway and we could deal with it.  That wasn't the case either.  He really did try to be supportive of my decision.  And I knew he would, if he could.  He didn't want to ask me to quit my job.  I mean, who would want to ask their spouse to give up something they enjoy?!  But, I was also asking him to do something he couldn't do.  He couldn't not have those fears.  He couldn't not relive the pain. 
So, the night before I was supposed to work, it would be terrible.  He would be down, which would make me down.  Then we would be up until and at all hours of the night trying to talk through those fears and pains.  Which again, would make my head hurt worse.  So that's when I decided I couldn't do this.  I had to quit.  I couldn't ask him to live that way. 
I'm thankful to my employer for making it an easy transition.  And I'm thankful to be able to leave on a good note, so if the time arises where I can go back, I will be able to re-apply and hopefully be re-hired. 
I'm sure there are going to be hard times ahead.  I'm sure I'm going to have moments of anger and resentment.  But, I know that we will get through them.  For right now, I know, 100%, that I've made the right decision. 
My marriage will always be more important than anything else life throws at me.

Mi-freakin-graines

(This is going to be a post about miscarriages and migraines. "This is a blog about marital affairs." you say. Well...there's a link in our case...)

I hate migraines. Despise them. Danielle has suffered with them ever since 2006. I tie them together with her depression. She had her first miscarriage a couple of months after we were wed - and I wasn't there for her. Oh sure, I went to the hospital, made sure she was taken care of physically. To me, miscarriages were no big deal. I was raised around women who were strong, and they miscarried, and they never let it show how much hurt they went through. Or at least, they never let is show to me. 

Which means I never understood the depth of the grief. The depth of the pain. Hurt. Anger. Sorrow.

So when Danielle had physically recovered from the miscarriage, I moved on. I thought everything was fine. I didn't realize she was still going through the grieving process. And she got caught in the Depression phase (denial - anger - bargaining - depression - acceptance).

And then the pain in her head started. I also grew up around women who had headaches. And they would take over-the-counter medicines and move on. So that’s what I expected her to do. Take some medicine, and move on.

Once again, I didn’t join her where she was. I took my preconceived notions, brought them in to our marriage, and didn’t join her.

The pain in her head wasn’t a headache. It was a migraine – once again, I thought this just meant a “really bad headache” – medically, they’re not the same (from what research I have done).

So she’s in the depression phase of the grieving process, she’s in severe pain (this is still 2006), and the person she married and trusted to be right there with her – is lost. Lost in selfishness, confusion, and doubt. Because I wasn’t ready for this – I wasn’t ready, three months in to our marriage, to face this pain. I had no past experiences to liken it to. I had no way of understanding what she was going through.

I’d like to say I got better, and more compassionate, and more understanding. Nope. I did try. I tried understanding it – but I trusted her to go to the doctor and find out what was happening. On her own. Yes, I would take her to the doctor if she had to get a shot and couldn’t drive. Or if she showed me she was scared. Or when it was something major like an MRI – I knew about those. Those were a big deal, and I knew I needed to go to those. For the most part, I figured – she’s in pain, and if she wants it to stop, she’ll go to the doctor and find out what’s happening. She will take care of it. She will handle all of that. I will pay the doctor’s fees. I will take care of the bills. She will take care of her stuff. See what’s happening? I put her burdens on her, didn’t share them, and selfishly focused on my stuff.

I also didn’t realize what jerks doctors were. But that’s a separate post.

I didn’t understand that, for her to go to the doctor, she had to feel ok. And the depression led to stress/anxiety/all kinds of emotions. Those emotions led to her not wanting to get out of bed. Not getting out of bed caused her to feel even more stress and worry. The stress and worry caused her migraines. The migraines caused her to physically not get out of bed. And, now, we have a cycle. A vicious cycle. A cycle of pain and misery and suffering. And who sees it, and gets angry? Me.

Anger because I can’t help. I can’t/won’t join her in this. Anger because the enemy I want to help her fight is invisible. I don’t feel like I can fight something that’s “all in her head.”

Moving forward to 2017 – because a history lesson wasn’t the point of this blog – she still has migraines. She still suffers from depression. And, by this point, I am focused on me. I am focused on my kids. And I am not focused on Danielle. She has hurt me many, many times since being married. Her tongue is like a sword that cuts right through me. She is a master at causing pain. She knows exactly what to say and do to push my buttons – to make me feel two inches tall – and to drive me away.

I became an amazing father to my kids. (“Vanity” you all scream. Keep screaming.)

I became an awful husband to my wife.

Throughout 2016, she had reached out to me. Tried to talk to me. Tried to share how hurt she was. How much hurt I was causing her. I. Never. Listened.

I never listened. Ever. In fact, I can recall one evening last January where I asked her to stop talking one evening. I was focused on work, and she was bothering me. COME ON now!!! I want to go back to that moment, see myself, and scream at myself. (By the way – this didn’t just happen one time. I did this to her a lot over 2017 – I was focused on other tasks, and not on her)

February 2, she tried to commit suicide. Only I didn’t know that – I just knew something was very, very wrong. (This is also a post for another time.)

Just know that she lied really well. Really, really well. And, what little trust I had in her slipped away. And I was hurt. Really, really hurt.

So I pulled away from her even more. We couldn’t be farther apart in our marriage – emotionally, spiritually, mentally – than we were at this point. Or so I thought.

Migraines. Depression. Lies. Deceit. Hurt. Pain. Anger. Sorrow. Heartache.

And so, when he looked at her, and told her he wanted to have sex with her (think I was having sex with her? Not a chance – I was too hurt and beaten up emotionally to have sex), she saw a dark path to walk down. When he texted her and asked her to come over, she knew what he wanted. And she went for it.

She knew she was hurting – but had also been hurt. She knew she wasn’t happy in our marriage – and neither was I. And her selfish drive kicked in.

Then they say it was wrong, and she and he break it off after that one time. But she wanted it to continue. Because, by this time (March) I was barely speaking to her. I would barely look at her.

In April, we tried marriage counseling after some other events. I didn’t know she had started seeing him again. So she wasn’t trying very hard to save the marriage. In fact, I don’t know how fewer craps could be given than sleeping with another man while saying you’re trying to save your marriage.

But I wasn’t putting forth a lot of effort either. I kept looking for the other shoe to fall. Another suicide attempt, or another way of hurting herself. So, the counseling stopped. Her affair deepened, beyond just sex, to true feelings for another man. Her lies – oh my Goodness. Remember when I said she lied really, really well? The depth of this rabbit hole in lies and deceit still hasn’t been found out – and it won’t be. I’m looking forward, because I can’t stay in those months.

The reason I write this blog post is – I need to remember. I need to remember what not to do. Because, even though I am happier than I’ve been in YEARS, and I hope Danielle is as well – she still has stress. She still suffers from depression.

And she still has migraines. Severe, crippling migraines. And, sometimes, the old Jacob comes out. The one who gets angry that we can’t even go out and eat as a family because of her pain. We can’t go to the grocery store. She can’t move from the bed – which means Lexi and Rex don’t get to see her.

And this doesn’t even bother them – they’re used to it. It’s their “normal” to have mommy in bed, sick.I hate migraines.

I need to remember who I was – because I am not that person any more. Never again will she feel like I am not taking care of her. Never again will I leave her alone in her pain – I’ll be right beside her, fighting with and for her. Never again will she feel alone and left out by the very person who pledged to love her unconditionally. I don’t want her to ever feel like she did in those years – that she doesn’t have a husband.

I HATE MIGRAINES. I hate what they have done to us. I hate that they can come out of nowhere and disable us. Completely take us down. I hate them.

The other side of the story

I cheated.  There, I said it.  

How?  Why?

Those are the most common responses.  But to answer the how and why we have to go back a few years.  

I need to say this, and I need everyone to hear (read) this and understand it.  I own what I did.  I take 100% responsibility for it.  I do not put any blame on Jacob for what I did.  But there are things that lead up to the affair that were not just my problems.

Ok.  Marrying my high school sweetheart was amazing!  All my dreams were coming true.   Everything was sunshine and roses for a while.  But life happens.  Infertility put a huge strain on our marriage.  Then my depression and migraines started effecting our marriage.  I lost jobs, putting all the financial strain on Jacob.  

Then in February 2017 I attempted suicide.  Wrapped up in that suicide attempt were so many lies and feelings that I had kept hidden.  It hit Jacob harder than I thought it would.  He said that night is the most scared he’s ever been.  But all I remember is the anger.  He was so mad at me.  He told me if it ever happened again I would be gone.  He would kick me out because it wasn’t safe for the kids to be around me.  That’s a legitimate concern, but I couldn’t promise him that my depression would never get that bad again.  If you’ve never been depressed or suicidal then you can’t understand the pain and feelings that come along with it.  

Our marriage was in turmoil.  I felt like we were roommates.  Two people that lived in the same house, were friends, only shared interest was the kids.  

On TV people always say “it just happened” so it seems dumb to say that.  But it really did just happen.  Afterwards we both agreed that it couldn’t happen again.  We were just friends and it needed to stay that way.  But about a month later it happened again.  So that’s when it went from “I cheated” to “I’m having an affair.” 

During this time, everything was rationalized in my head.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  And I knew it would hurt my husband if/when he found out.  But in my mind I’m thinking, “my husband isn’t giving me what I need, so I’m getting it somewhere else.”  I know that kind of places the blame on Jacob, which I said I wasn’t going to do.  But it has to be known that this wasn’t something that just happened, it was a culmination of things that had been building up in our marriage for so long.  On both sides.  We are both at fault for the failing of our marriage.  

The man I cheated with is younger than me.  In my mind there was never a scenario where we would get together and live happily ever after.  There was never going to be a time where I would introduce him to my kids and family.  There was never going to be a time where we would go on dates or just hang out.  This affair was literally just sex.  So once again, in my mind it’s rationalized because there are no feelings involved.  It’s just sex.  

We did a trial separation.  We did a little counseling. But neither one of us was putting in full effort.  When I moved back in after the trial separation, I spent a lot of time wondering why I begged to come back home.  We were miserable together.  I wanted out.  But I knew financially there was no way I could get out on my own.  So once again, I rationalize it in my head that “once Jacob finds out I’m cheating he will kick me out” and then I’ll be forced to deal with everything.  But I just wanted to ride it out until then.  

It turns out that November 30th was “then.” When Jacob found out I tried to deny it and cover everything up.  But eventually I had to just give up and tell him everything.  When he asked me to leave I wasn’t surprised or shocked, so I was able to calmly get my things and leave.  From that moment I was a different person.  I was going to own my mistakes, and learn and grow from them.  Nothing was going to stop me.  I wanted out of my marriage and I was finally getting it.  

Yes, it killed me to see Jacob in pain.  I never wanted to hurt him.  I didn’t do this to hurt him.  So many times he said “you must hate me so much.” But I felt like that wasn’t true.  I didn’t hate him.  I didn’t hate him at all.  I still very much loved him, but I felt like we had come to a point where our lives would be better if we were not together.  

During my time away from home I prayed every day for God to guide me.  I asked Him to lead me where He wanted me to go.  And I asked for Him to give me the strength I would need to follow Him.  

I felt like the answer I was getting was divorce.  We had worked things out with the kids and they seemed to be handling the transition well.  I just wanted it to be done so I could start moving on.  

Then something happened.  I had really bad migraines. Jacob was wanting to take care of me.  Like really take care of me.  He brought me to the house so I could spend time with the kids, but still be able to rest.  On New Year’s Day I woke up and it was like a light switch had been flipped.  THIS!  This is what I want!  This is what I’ve wanted all along.  When I close my eyes and think of the future, I envision the kids, myself, and Jacob.  Hand in hand.  Strolling into our future.  God changed my heart y’all.  There’s no other explanation.  I want this marriage more than I’ve ever wanted it before.  It’s like we started over.  1/1/18 was a fresh start for us.  We’re starting from the bottom and moving up.  Building trust. Building strength.  Laying our foundation on God.  This is amazing.  And there’s no other explanation I have for it besides God.